Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Part One

What's the best way to ensure that my pizza delivery arrives fast, gets made correctly and that I get a good deal?

There are a variety of ways to ensure that your order will turn out terrifically. In fact, I'd argue that any method will give you a positive result with the following exceptions:
Don't have a screaming child or barking dog in the background of your phone call. First off, why are you standing in the middle of Cesar Millan's commercial dog run naked and glazed in cow fat? I only ask because that's honestly the only explanation I have for the amount of noise that's being bull-horned into the phone on my end. That or the pack of Hyena's that you're trying to tame in your dining room isn't going as swimmingly as you had anticipated. Whatever the reason may be for your Dachshund reaching dangerous decibel levels, just step into another room and complete the transaction. You don't need a companion that enjoys eating cat shit and wiping it's ass on the living carpet inches away from your face for the four minutes it takes to order a pizza. 

Seriously, though, dogs reach dangerously high levels of noise. On average a single large dog will clock in between 100 and 110 decibels. You know what else registers at that earsplitting level? Helicopters, diesel trucks, lawnmowers and cars travelling at freeway speeds. That's just a single dog, too. So can you imagine what it's like when you have the vocal chords of your schnauzer that you cleverly named John Belushi the Third pressed up against the receiver end of the phone while your whispering your credit card information to me? Here's a scary and obviously unknown stat, at a quarter of a mile a pack of dogs can still register in at 75 dBs. For those of you that aren't in the know, that's around the level of an alarm clock and a freight train. Now, I'm not saying that you should cross county lines to place your order or anything, I'm just saying do us a solid and step outside or into another room where your small pack of Husky's aren't busy howling at the moon.

Same goes for your kids. Who hears their child mid-tantrum and thinks, you know what? I could really go for some cheesy sticks and hot wings right about now. Apparently everybody, because as it turns out, that's a solid one in three phone calls these days. I mean, I understand still having to get some sort of food on the table even if your kid sounds like their trying to pass a kidney stone. I truly do get it. Kids are awful and never shut the fuck up. I'm not saying that you should duct tape their mouths shut, hog tie them and throw them into the nearest ravine until your pan pizza is prepared (although it'd be nice). I just want you to avoid trying to sooth your swaddled child that's colicky while subsequently directing that vuvuzela on steroids that is your shit filled son's screams into the center of my eardrum. For those that are perplexed about what to do in just such a scenario, let me give you some solid advice; set your child in his or her crib, walk out of your nursery and place your order. After this two minute atrocity that you'd be committing, you could walk back into your child's room and then continue being the helicopter parent that you're determined to be. Trust me, a few extra heartbeats of unassisted crying won't be nearly as detrimental as the love that you're determined to smother them with. 

.....this is a two parter here people. In next weeks article, I'll include more ways to effectively avoid having your server toss around the idea of injecting you with a GRIDS filled syringe.