Make Believe

I'm hitting the customer related exaggerations hard again this week. There are simply too many prefabricated proclamations that are spit out by these sub-standard charlatans to ignore, and only this shared awareness will bring an end to these drummed up yet diabolical stories. 

I was taking a pizza delivery to a road that was nearly undrivable. Actually, there were two crossroads to get to this street, and one of them was literally untraversable. There was so many rain formed divots in the road with so much perpetually moist mud caked on top of them that my Honda Civic would sink if I went to slow and it would spin out if I tried to hustle. Sadly, I figured out which way was more passable the hard way. By that I mean I was on a previous run, realized the road was too terrible and tried to conquer it anyway. Apparently taking four minutes to backtrack half a mile is way too hard. It's much more logical to realize that you probably won't make it, ignoring that rational inner monologue and trying to make the journey anyway. I've got to tell you that that line of lethargic thinking is a little harder to explain to your delivery-less customer and the AAA driver that has to slap a tow hitch onto your bumper. Lesson learned.

On this particular delivery everything went surprisingly smooth. I idled down the barely passable section of the road without incident. I mean, I slipped a disk in my back and my suspension spontaneously caught fire, but that's par for the unpaved course here in Ramona. Unsurprisingly, the house I was heading to was conveniently the last house before the road turned into what amounted to soggy hummus. Well, right before I got to my destination, I passed what had to have been a woman in her early thirties walking her dog. Actually, I guess it's not walking your dog when you're just standing in the middle of the street and simply holding a leash while staring at your phone. I'm not exaggerating when I say she was standing in the middle of the road either. She was geometrically at the epicenter of the dirt path that was masquerading as travelable terrain. I was perplexed by what she was doing, but I thought that maybe she was just unaccustomed to traffic on such a rarely traveled road. Naturally, this led to me doing the only reasonable thing I could think of doing. I just hit the gas and made a female/Fido flapjack. I just crushed the bitch under the weight of my tires. At least, mentally I did. In reality I smiled, slowed down and politely waved. I then successfully delivered my order a few houses down, drove back by the still stationary woman, waved and smiled a second time and headed back to the store.
When I got back I had a message waiting for me from my boss. Apparently the the bitch and her bitch decided to get on the blower and let my boss know that I pulled up next to her while she was on the side of the road. She then said that I revved my engine, spun out my tires and kicked mud up at her before doing 40 mph away from the scene of the crime.
How on earth, did me smiling, slowing down and waving lead to this? In what world do these people exist in? I did the courteous move and was reprimanded for it. Seriously, what happened to cause this sort of disconnect with reality? Did this lady just receive a DM from her fiancee saying he was going gay? Was she just fired from her job as a professional dog walker and this was her way of coping? It seems like there has to be a purpose behind these kind of bold face lies. The only conclusion I can reasonably come to is that she just got figuratively fisted in some fashion and me and my car topper were the only available targets for her and her ire. That or we're failing to reel in our friends and family who are far too narcissistic to exist in this otherwise awesome world. They just can't live in this life of luxury and be content despite having everything one could ever want. Our disposable income as a nation has increased 469% since 1972. We get to blow more excess green on useless entertainment than ever these days. Sure, our society harbors a small percentage of down-and-out drug addicts that are destitute. There are even a good number of us that have some form of genetic or environmental handicap that prevents us from excelling, but the fact remains that even the poorest of the poor live better than 99% of the entire world's population. I'm not talking about just now either. We've got it better than 99% of everyone that's ever existed. Think about it, even dudes who live in the projects that are jacked out of their mind on crystal meth have at least one TV, government food an Xbox or PlayStation and access to an education (despite all the ill will towards public school and on how we're getting infinitely dumber, the University of Aberdeen did an extensive study on how we are actually increasing in our intellectual abilities - so apparently that free education is working at least a little). The real problem is all of us being spoiled has led to us running out of problems. Thus we're forced to concoct pseudo-psychological ailments (broad spectrum ADD, glutton intolerance, world-revolves-around-me-itis and more) to occupy our time. The natural progression of these disorders is the holding of grudges against others for being content with their seemingly lesser lives. Like me! I'm fairly happy despite barely eclipsing the poverty line. That's why my innocuous smile and harmless wave were construed as me giving her the finger while sticking a pitchfork in her Pit bull. 

I know I've said this before, but please be truthful! Exaggerating about inaccurate events can have real world consequences, like somebody losing a job. The overuse of hyperbole should honestly be a crime (unless that hyperbole comes in the form of semi-amusing posts aimed at mocking others anonymously). It seriously has the same kind of criminal impact in that it can alter the course of someone's life and level of success. At the very least, just give me a heads up when you're going to whine so I can go make up for the misremembered moments by actually enacting the evil that you supposedly witnessed. I mean, if I'm going to get fired, I sure as shit want to have some fun with it.