Anti-Christ

"Blacks hate Jews. Everyone knows that."

Co-workers say the darnedest things don't they? I think we're all aware of the ignorance of most company employees that we're forced to co-habitat with, but why does it seem that they're always raising the crazy bar with their level of craptastic conversational diarrhea? 

This line wasn't even uttered as a joke. It was said by a fanatical liberal with a deadpan look and a seriousness that implied that I was completely out of touch for not knowing that hard hitting truth. This cohorts name was Calva, and he was absolutely flabbergasted that I was so naive. He just stared at me like I had been water-locked up in Kodiak, Alaska for the last 17 years with only the wilds of the wilderness to educate me. Just take a second to think about that. His statement caught me off guard. That's big news because according to him I'm a moderately racist republican that's lived a blessed life borne out of white privilege. I mean, that's technically true. It's absolute luck that landed me in a home with poor anti-social parents. The fact that my Dad was so addicted to gambling that he lost our home and then promptly took my Mom and fled to Minnesota was a boon too. How else would I have gotten to experience the glory of living in my ex-girlfriend's motorcycle trailer? That's about as privileged as a life gets right there.
 
Anyway, if you're thinking that I just grabbed this quote out of context, you're wrong. Calva was notorious for just blurting out random bits of baffling rhetoric. Seriously, remember that name, because it'll crop up a hell-of-a-lot more often that's for goddamn sure. In this particular case he dropped this magical line as a reason for Obama's lack of desire to protect or support Israel, which makes the statement all the more baffling. I mean, I'm in staunch support of beefing up the borders here in southern California, but that doesn't mean I hate Hispanics. I mean, I do, but that's just sort of a weird coincidence. Correlation not causation, you know? Seriously, I'm not a fan of President Obama, but I'm also not of the opinion that he harbors an ethnic grudge against a group of people that I'm sure he rarely interacted with in the suburbs of Chicago. Even if his home was surrounded by Hasidic Jews, I'm willing to bet that you don't make it all the way up the overwhelmingly white power presidential chain while harboring ill will towards a specific group. There are a few too many checks and balances (jowly necked old Jews) to go through to make it to the summit of sole power while enacting your ignorance onto a whole imperiled populous. 

Also, it's curious that Calva would imply that everyone should know that these two factions despise one another. My question is who knows that? Where would blacks and Jews clash? They live no where near one another, both groups eat fucked up food and both make up a combined total of about 10% of the population. Not exactly an overwhelming chance that they'd cross paths let alone clash culturally. Seriously, though, why the funky food people? Biscuits and gravy looks like a loaf of bread got lost in between the seat cushions of the Brazzers' bang bus for an entire eight hour shift. Meanwhile gefilte fish is essentially filling up the kitchen sink, loading it up with dirty dishes and then just not doing them for four fermentation filled weeks and then calling it food. It's the 21st century here people. Have a hoagie. 

You know what? I'm going to tap out of this story right now. I didn't want to get into then and I don't want to get into it now. Too many racist highways and byways for me to drunkenly speed down and crash and burn on. I'm definitely thinking that I'll revisit what I believe could be a repeated segment, though. I think I'll call it, "Another Super Serious Quandry With Calva."