Dazed and Confused

I feel the need to divulge a story that I couldn't squeeze into any of the chapters in my next book, Why You're A Terrible Co-worker. I just didn't have time to touch upon the attempted relationship conundrums that occur at the workplace, so I'll address that topic right here. 

We've all tried to pick up on fellow co-workers. I'm essentially as Asexual as a Crayfish and yet I've still successfully managed to wrangle in a fellow co-worker of my own. Okay, she wrangled me in, but to my credit we still ended up back at my place on my frame-less mattress that conveniently sat on the faux wooden floor of my room. If you factor in all that excess posh comfort (semi-homelessness), I'd say that that counts as a seductive win for me. Sure, it was her effort that led to my sexual victory, but I had to have done something right considering I wooed her despite being suave-less, broke and still living with my parents.

Anyway, this story goes out to an insider/cook that we used to have that also attempted to seduce a fellow co-worker. The gentleman I'm referring to had it bad for a seductress that was miles out of his league. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for shooting for the stars. It's just that when you're a toothless, high school dropout that's addicted to meth, maybe you should recalibrate those sights and shoot for someone that doesn't look like she's appeared in softcore porn. I'm not saying don't give it a whirl. Quite the opposite. I'm sure rejection is a whole hell-of-a-lot less awful when you're higher than the mortician that autopsied Heath Ledger. I'm just saying, go into the bathroom of your flophouse and practice what you're going to say into a mirror/the broken bottle of Boone's Farm that's sitting on the reservoir of your toilet. That way you'll be well versed when the time comes to actually spring the question on the chick that's ultimately going to reject you. Or just skip the practice by seeing if the 17 year-old female model in the making is even interested in communicating with you. You can do this by tossing out an innocent invitation to something horrible for you, but enticing for your ladies estrogen laden veins. I don't know, maybe invite the chick to something like the inevitable Broadway version of 50 Shades of Grey. If she bites and accepts, backtrack and try to get her to go to the Marvel virtual reality Avenger experience. You know, that touring interactive show where virgins pretend to be Captain America in all the nerdy glory of 3-D. If she wavers, go back and meet her in the middle. Maybe something like a trip to a middle-of-the-road oriental restaurant like the Jasmine Bistro. It'll make you seem willing to compromise, and you won't have to have a duffle bag worth of smelling salts to make it through the show. It's like fishing, you have to set the hook and then gently real in the catch. You can't start with pretending to be Iron Man. You have to play your catch and tire her out until she gives up the fight and decides to join you as a sexed up Jubilee.

You know what you shouldn't do? Ask the girl of your dreams if you can live in the hayloft of her barn. That's exactly what my coked up co-worker did. Sadly, it wasn't a joke. He was borderline homeless and his only transportation was a skateboard, and despite it all, he still had the confidence to toss out that slightly rapey question in front of everyone. I'm not pretending to be the written equivalent of Loveline here, but I'm pretty sure even if I was a 29 year-old virgin that had been stranded pornless on a Cuban island with only hairy Dominican men my entire life, I'd still know better than to ask a coital killing question like that. I'm not saying don't try and live in her loft. Just work your way up to that. Maybe start with going to Starbucks and then on the third or fourth date hit her up with your unwavering desire to deflower her in her woodshed. 

Now that I think about it, feel free to ask these sorts of sexually deviant questions. All guys should. It'll make my receding hairline and love handles look like dimples and a huge dork. Also, feel free to get hopped up on heroine before you make your move. You're just making my frame-less bed look like a pillow-top mattress that's been covered in fresh flowers and a fifty spot. Seriously, keep up the good work, boys.