I was recently leaving the store with a couple of deliveries when I noticed a shady sixty-plus year-old man leaning up against a shit-box 90's Toyota PoS. The guy was wearing what looked like a woman's smedium Seattle Seahawks Jersey. He couldn't have been more than 135 pounds, 15 of which had to have been facial hair. It wasn't like he had a Brian Wilson or James Harden beard or anything. It just seemed like his stubble spanned his entire face. There was literally facial hair from his chin to his receding hair line and everywhere in between. He essentially looked like what someone would dress up as if they wanted to go to a Halloween party as a pedophile.
Anyway, I was walking to my car when I realized that the quasi-homeless dude seemed as though he wanted to initiate a bit of a conversation. He seemed harmless enough, so I gave a courtesy head nod and a "Hey, how's it going?" To which he responded "You know what? You got some hot bitches 'round here." He then held out his fist and said "Am I right? Pound it."
I didn't know whether he meant that the preteens we hired as cooks were smokin' hot, or whether the parking lot was crawling with a slew of divine damsels, and to be honest I didn't care. I just wanted to go on my delivery, so I gave the man a little knuckle on knuckle love and went on my way, and by that I mean I blew him. I just thought that "bitches" was code, so I went for it. Don't judge me either, I'm here to make tips, not friends.
Truthfully, I just went on my delivery after giving him a quick dap. When I got back to the store and told the insiders about the perv in the parking lot, they said that the very same guy came in while I was gone and tried to hit on every member of the waiting staff. Apparently he just tried to kill all of our female insiders with kindness, got his EBT card declined and ultimately left without any food.
This is where I have to wonder where it all went wrong for this guy. How did this man, who could have very well been a grandfather, successfully make it through 72-plus months of life on the dole and decide that girls that are too young to get their driver's permit are still in his wheelhouse? I guess introspection isn't the strong suit of a sloth-like septuagenarian, but still, you'd think that at a certain point you'd look in the mirror and realize referring to women as bitches and telling guys half your age to give a Lil' Wayne-like fist bump would be inappropriate. Than again, maybe the guy who's been delivering pizzas for half his life shouldn't be the guy dispensing life altering lessons.