You know what's not funny? The ridiculous names that guys conjure up because they think they're hilarious. (Come on wives, girlfriends and bros, step up and straighten out your unfunny friends/fiancees. It may be a startling blow to their unaware ego, but it'll save you and them a lot of unnecessary years of embarrassment if you just enlighten them on their humorous shortcomings instead of allowing their snowball of stupidity to gain too much of a head of steam and you wind up completely losing your ability to properly reign it back in.) To show you that I'm not just being prickly, I'm going to give a small list of names that have popped up on orders both via the internet and in person. Now, these are just some of the names that have been given to me in the last week, so imagine what I've gotten in my lifetime.
I like the idea that the person who placed this particular online order wasn't content to be a part of just one World World terrorist organization. I guess being a part of a singular group that was semi-responsible for the deaths of seven million human beings lacked the panache of being fully committed to two different branches of evil that were directly responsible for dabbling in genocide. The real kicker? When the customer came into the store he had to have been in his early sixties. Yup, a man who could have been born on the precipice of WWII itself thought pretending to be a war criminal was amusing. Our entire staff had jumped to the conclusion that the customer was going to be somewhere in the single digits in the age department, or at most, three pubes deep into puberty, not a fully fledged, card carrying member of AARP that's paying for their pizza with their social security. Isn't it sad that this is how far we've come as a society. We're no longer relying on the elderly to pass on wisdom. We're counting on them to be as equally degenerate as a 17 year-old high school drop out turned convict. It's a fucking tragedy.
Rehni El Bhano
All right, this one is fairly clever. It took about forty seven re-reads before I got the joke. I'm just hoping that the customer didn't put in nearly as much time to phrase it as I took to get it. 'Runny Toilet' in broken Spanish/internet lingo only has so much of a comedic punch before you start to really feel sorry for the person that was sitting on the order screen contemplating all the less-than-amusing surnames that they could inject into their order of Cheesybread. I mean, wittiness is a valuable trait, but make sure to waste that kind of calorie burning hilarity on something that more than a grand total of three people will see.
The glorious part about a twenty year-old dude referring to himself as a hyper-sexualized Pokemon is that at some point he's going to have to come into the store and pick up his order. That means, when we ask him what his name is he's going to have to say with a semi-straight face that he has the comedic talent of Kevin Ward after ending up in Tony Stewart's wheel-well. It's almost a joy to see people put themselves in awkward positions, because I'll let you in on a little secret, we don't care. As long as you let us know who you are, we're golden. We just want to move the line along, but getting to see your face as you tell us that your a big fan of an anime series that's meant for nine year-old Japanese children suffering from semi-severe brain trauma is priceless.
These were just a couple of the idiotic names that were thrown my way this week. I wish I could chalk them all up to momentary lapses of judgment, but I'm beginning to think that we as a nation just completely lost our ability to be professional and civil. I mean, is it too hard to pretend like you have the capacity to act like a grown-ass adult, or do you really have to come across like someone that compulsively chugs the squeegee water at 7-Elevens around the country?