Annoying, lazy, psychotic, sociopathic and soul sucking. These are just a few of the words that describe the lion’s share of the louts that I guarantee we can all relate to working with. And for me, those are the labels of the co-workers I like. The words I’d use to depict the demons that I despise would get me detained at LAX, fined by the FCC and put on Homeland Security’s high profile watch list.

My only real wish in life is that I could work a single shift at my pizza delivery gig without feeling compelled to do a once over on my wrist with a rusty box cutter and then jamming it into a barrel of jalapenos just so I can feel again. I’m not being a pessimist here either. I absolutely believe that this fictitious fairytale of a funland can exist. And the foundation of that fantasy will begin with me explaining why my fellow pizza parlor co-workers are terrible. The idea is, you’ll be able to relate to the stories, identify some similarities, and then we can all take these lessons and forge ahead by attempting to avoid emulating the unadulterated evil that epitomizes most employees. Then, with a little luck, we can all start to understand our own foibles as well as the flaws of those around us, because the quicker we show a little self-awareness, the faster we can flip this unbalanced brick filled boat around and the sooner we can set sail on a cruise to paradise; a paradise where everyone plays nice and participates in something no one wants to do. Work.

What do naked chicks, drunks, junkies, assholes and the homeless all have in common? Pizza. They all order pizza. Whether it's with food stamps or a duffel bag full of recyclables. They all find some way to pay for their pizza and ruin the night of those unfortunate enough to be stuck on the wrong end of the order taking counter. As a delivery driver, I can tell you right now, I'm absolutely fed up with having to internalize the more ludicrous actions of these cretins. I know I'm not alone in this frustrating battle of the tards either. That's why I want to bring a little awareness to the communicative missteps of these individuals as well as direct some attention towards the more unfortunate trends that are cropping up in social situations these days. Employees, employers, girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends, strangers, we're all in this together, and a few common sense tactics, or even just a simple awareness of our own continued stupidity based on my rather potent pizza delivery anecdotes can make our collective ride through this life a whole hell-of-a-lot more pleasant.


Pacific Ridge Records is an independent label that I've unsuccessfully run since 2004. Odds are you've never heard of Pac Ridge, but despite the anonymity as a label, I've helped release over 300 songs and over 50 albums with dozens of different artists including billboard charting bands like All Time Low, Four Year Strong, I Can Make A Mess..., Punchline and more. The genres in the PRR catalog include Acoustic, Folk, Pop-Punk, Hardcore, Pop Rock and more. All the music can be streamed for free (or bought if you're wildly generous) right here.